The wonderful adventures of MR TOBY

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2006-07-05T05:22:00.000-07:00

Hello, I kind of deleted my blog

2006-05-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, I thought I would just delete the posts I wanted to delete but infact I deleted my entire blog. WOOPS! Oh well, I will just have to deal.

I knew her when winter was her cloak

2006-04-27T05:07:00.000-07:00

Working is kind of like stepping out of the real world into a bizarre kind of microcosm, where the fifteen year-old moron population is disproportionately large, and truth and meaning take a backseat. I walked in for my delicious shift today, having bought a wonderful Weight Watchers brand microwave lasagne for $4 as a crude kind of meal for myself. Now, I wasn't watching my weight; instead I was watching my bank account but it was my stomach and my tastebuds who lost out here.

The taste of cheap frozen beef fresh on my tongue, I went into the admin office to start work, where it would be revealed that my task was to clean an ice cream freezer that someone had previously bled all over. And while cleaning, what I assumed was raspberry sauce, was in fact some guy's blood. I had already cut my hand open on the freezer so alarm bells were ringing! Lucky for me I'm pretty tough, and I think I could totally beat up AIDS if I got into a fight with it, so you know.

I am getting sick of some people at work, even sicker than I am (sometimes literally) sick of the taste of cheap frozen meals from Woolworths! This has kind of resulted in more outward hostility than ever before, which I guess is kind of bad, but then I'm only openly hostile to people I don't like. And I guess if they don't like me in return, they'll leave me alone. So everybody wins. This is terrible logic.

Oh, just fooling around

2006-04-11T02:33:00.000-07:00

Hello anonymous tipoff! Thanks a lot! WE HAVE OUR SUSPICIONS

I've been at university for about a month and a half, leading to the somewhat thin coating of blog entries on my end of the wire lately. This probably won't change, because updating blogs is for suckers and vagrants and it's one step of the way to becoming a filty criminal, apparently!

But now it's the university break, and Amanda has gone out of town and this leaves me sitting alone all day, philisophising to her pet rabbit Clementine. Clementine is a good listener, her ears droop to the ground and she has very large back legs which propel her around my lounge at a lightning pace! Indeed, Clemetine is probably the finest rabbit I have ever seen and I have seen my share of rabbits in my time BELIEVE YOU ME!

On Saturday, I went to a show by indie folk sensations the Mountain Goats. The show was pretty good, but not nearly as the awesome conversation I overheard afterwards between the lead singer of the Mountain Goats and some guy with no legs:

No legs: "Sorry for calling out song requests"
Mountain Goat: "No it's alright, I don't mind. It's pretty rad, I mean it's not rad for you, but I've never seen a guy with no legs at a show before."

Fame does this to you! It means you can make entirely awesome comments to paraplegics, and this is pretty much my life goal. LANGUISHING in JAIL is not!

There's lightning bolts in my chest

2006-03-03T03:40:00.000-08:00

Here is an article I wrote for the university student magazine, which was turned down because it was too offensive! Whoops!

THIS IS POVERTY vs. FATTIES

Fatties. They are not new territory for This is Poverty, the Mike Kings of the Canta world. But I think that it is vital that I get my message across, straight off the bat - I hate fatties. What do I hate about fatties? Well, right now I think you, the reader, should be honest with yourself. Have you ever felt the need to projectile vomit after seeing a she-fatty in a miniskirt bending over right in front of you? Do you not feel absolutely revolted every time you see Joe Cotton eappear on your television screen? It's not just me that hates fatties. Truth be told, everyone on earth hates fatties, and this is for one simple reason: fatties are disgusting.

Fatties are, in fact, so disgusting that entire foundations and companies are built just to eliminate them from this world. One of these foundations, Jenny Craig, invited celebrity fatty Kirstie Alley to be their wonderful spokesperson. However, this is about as good a marketing strategy as the Hitler-themed Twix ads, advertising Twix chocolate bars as being full of "rich, creamy Jews" but slightly more offensive. Kirstie Alley shrieking "CHICKEN FETTUCINI" at me does not make me want to lose weight; instead, it fills me with a burning desire to slash some faces. A recent Jenny Craig ad featured Kirstie Alley boasting she lost the equivalent weight of a ten year-old. What I think actually happened was ten years ago, following the demise of hit TV show Cheers, Kirstie Alley ate a baby mid-feeding frenzy. As she is wont to do, this baby was swallowed unchewed, and survived in her spacious stomach, living off chicken fettucini scraps. The child eventually pummeled his way out of Kirstie Alley leading to a not very impressive weight loss of about 4% of Kirstie Alley's body mass. Jenny Craig entirely endorses baby eating.

Jenny Craig's main rival in the fatty culling stakes is Weight Watchers, whose ads mostly consist of fat people jumping around smiling as the soothingly inspirational sounds of Cher screaming “THIS IS A SONG!!! FOR DA LONELY!!!” play in the background. Once again, this is a terrible choice - Cher does not inspire me to lose weight, she inspires me to brutally murder the nearest horsefaced ghoul. Also, nothing sickens me more than a group of fatties triumphantly grinning as they walk down a hallway, possibly after a gruelling baby eating session. If you ask me, a good fatty ad campaign would go as follows: "YOU ARE FAT. FAT PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING. KILL YOURSELF." This way, nobody is fooling themselves, and it might actually lead to an increase in healthy but misunderstood "disorders" such as anorexia and bulemia!

Fatties have an unfortunate tendency to wear unnervingly revealing clothing, which makes them even more terrifying than usual. I think most fatties don't have a choice though; as they are fat, there is no such thing as clothing that fits them. They are therefore forced to attempt to fit their rotund slug-like bodies into normal clothing, resulting in me throwing up. This, however, is absolutely inexcusable. I find it strange in today's society that ads for alcohol are not allowed to be screened until after 8:30pm, violent movies and video games are given age restrictions, but it is still allowed that miniskirts are made in size 24. I can watch the Iraqui beheading videos without so much as flinching, but as soon as I see mounds of bloated flesh wobbling all over the place as a fatty walks past me on the street, I feel traumatised and empty inside.

Fatties are also very silly people! For example, one day I was working in my wonderful cinema job when a massive god damn fatty came up to me and demanded the largest soft drink we sold. I asked him what flavour he wanted, and he replied “I don’t care, as long as it’s diet.” Yeah, you’re not fooling anyone you disgusting ball of dough. Fatties such as him need to learn: their ship has sailed, there’s no turning back now! Like I always say, once a fatty, always a fatty.

Now, at this point, you may be wondering: am I a fatty? Here is a handy quiz!

1. Have you already eaten most of your delicious Canta magazine?
2. Are most of your clothes wider than they are long?
3. Do you eat babies?

If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, I am very sorry to say that you are indeed a disgusting fatty! It breaks my heart to tell you this, as I have watched like three episodes of hard-hitting hospital drama ER, and I have ascertained how difficult it is for glum doctors to tell their patients they are dying. Telling someone they are a fatty is basically just as bad, but at least people don't make fun of dying people and think they are absolutely revolting. Like you.

Am I skating on thin ice with this article? I don’t know! But as I am not a disgusting fatty, I can trust that my lack of weight will not in fact disturb the brittle surface of this metaphorical ice, and I will escape unharmed. Fat people are doughy, they are disgusting to look at, and they are in danger from mere metaphors. It’s also pleasant to know that fat people die earlier than normal people. And I couldn’t think of a better way to conclude than that – because this is, beyond a doubt, evidence that even God finds fatties disgusting. He probably even sends them to hell, just for a laugh. Thank you for being disgusting!

Friend

2006-02-21T02:02:00.000-08:00

So i kinda just realised alot of my *friends*
are just to darn cool these days
and probably would not have a relationship with me unless i make the effort to say hi and whatnot
and then its all MY fault when they *miss me?*
when i have tried super hard to hang out and junk
and im pretty sure im just to much of a wussy fool to say anything about it
but inside its annoying like a right *(&^&

just a thought
i love my real friends
all 8 of them
if you're thinking you're one of them
you're probably wrong

When is time going to change? I'm ready

2006-02-10T00:48:00.000-08:00

I have just made my triumphant return from another glorious trip to Oamaru! It is a miserable town, where sadness breaches the levee that stands between the foggy ocean and the old grey buildings. This sadness was alleviated, however, by my wonderful girlfriend Amanda who has the power of the jackal and the ideology of the sun. I was delivered by my friends, and for that week, happiness prevailed in Oamaru.

Last night, Amanda and I went to see Bonnie "Prince" Billy play at Oamaru's Penguin Club. It was very exciting, as he is enjoyed very highly by both of us, and for such a well known musician to stop by such a small town was very strange indeed! However, it was fitting, and an excellent show, and I urge everyone to go and see him in Christchurch tomorrow night at Creation! I will be there, which is some indication of how awesome it will probably be!

I made my return from Oamaru via the Atomic Shuttles bus company. Atomic Shuttles is kind of like the InterCity's retarded younger brother, the hooker sister to InterCity's esteemed university student. To ride on Atomic Shuttles is to lend four hours of your life to the world of the depraved. Surely enough, I sat next to a whore the entire time. She was covered in burn scars, and spent the whole ride drinking cheap bourbon. You know you're awesome when you're getting crunk en route to Waimate!

We both know that this world can make no sense

2006-01-31T03:04:00.000-08:00

So today a couple of people from animal control came to my house about my dog, for some reason. I suppose if nothing else, animal control are very puncutal people, as my dog died over a year ago!

I went and got a haircut today, to which my mother's immediate reaction was "oh my god." Which is never a good sign. I specified to the hairdresser that I wanted it an inch shorter, so naturally, she cut off approximately half the hair on my head. It's also worth noting that the $10 Haircut Bar are absolute SCUMBAGS and are now called "the Original Haircut Bar" and charged me $15 for my crappy, crappy haircut. I could just pay a few dollars more and get my hair cut by a real hairdresser, so I don't see what they're playing at. The Original Haircut Bar, more like the EXTORTION BAR.

Oh, it don't rain anymore

2006-01-29T01:51:00.000-08:00

It's a long-standing suspicion of mine that cellphone people are absolute scumbags. When on the bus, there is always at least one person with a blank expression hammering away furiously on their cellphones for the entire ride. I have no real reason to think this, but I've always considered these people to be the absolute low point of society, the dregs which I work ever so hard to keep alive and kicking.

Now, I suppose this may be slightly hypocritical of me! For indeed I do have a cellphone, but alas, this cellphone sucks! Today, I decided I'd remedy this, and came to the conclusion that not only are people who use cellphones complete jerks and vagrants, but the people who sell them are just as disgusting as their patrons, possibly even worse!

It all began when I went into Noel Leeming. "My phone," I declared, "sucks." The moustachioed son of a bitch behind the counter merely looked at me and declared it would cost an arm and a leg to repair if it was my fault, and I wouldn't know if it was my fault for at least a week! I would have to send my cellphone away, he said, and there was a glint in his eye that indicated he loved watching me suffer, cellphoneless and alone. Of course, I wasn't going to have a bar of it, and so I promptly left. A different salesperson there told me the model of my phone just sucked and always has the same problems as mine, and he wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Was he to be trusted?

Salespeople are pricks. They lie to me constantly in order to try and get my hard earned money, and I could tell by the disgusting scar on this one's lip that someone had tried to slash his face in the past, and succeeded! A face slashing is a universal sign of an evildoer, and I refused to believe a word he said. But I needed a cellphone, so I made my purchase and promptly left. The knowledge that I gave him money makes me feel horrible and dirty inside, but it's the kind of thing you just have to do every now and again. It was a horrible situation, but not one that could easily be avoided.

I went to the Telecom store, because a co-worker told me they could transfer my number from my old terrible phone to my new shiny phone. Where Noel Leeming was full of scoundrels and decievers, the Telecom store was full of god damned freaks. The man who served me looked like a pervert, albeit a zombie pervert. His love for being creepy was so strong the grave couldn't contain him, and now he sells cellphones! What a pervert indeed.

"Can I transfer my number over from my old phone to my new one?" I asked him.
"Are you sure?" he asked. "Are you sure you're sure? Sure you're sure you're sure?"

Holy Christ I hate perverts, and let me tell you, when he said that I wanted nothing more than to slash his disgusting undead face.

"Yes, I'm sure," I said. If I weren't sure, why would I ask him? God, I hated him.
"Okay," he said. "Do you want to transfer your contacts too?"
"Yes!" I replied.
"Yeah, I just read your mind," he said. Seriously, what the hell? This cemented my suspicion that he was a pervert, and if there's one thing I hate more than a pervert, it's a pervert that reads my mind. Get out of my brain you disgusting carcass.
"Okay," he said, "it'll just take two minutes."

He disappeared into the back room for like ten minutes, and when he came out he had a slightly mischievous grin. I don't know what he was doing in there, and I don't think I want to know. When he gave me my phone back, I saw that it was open on Amanda's contact details. Oh, this pervert just crossed the line!

So, now I don't know what to do. A mindreading pervert zombie may or may not have zeroed in on my girlfriend and pleasured himself to the pictures I had saved to my phone. I have a new shiny phone which keeps making odd noises. I hate cellphones and I hate cellphone people.

From the womb until the tomb, I'm a child

2006-01-23T01:11:00.000-08:00

If I may, I think working tonight was sort of like being a Jew in Auschwitz, except instead of deadly gas, tonight we breathed in the dull scent of apathy. Not even the delightful tones of hot songstress Gwen Stefani's song "Hollaback Girl" could provoke any energy within me, and this seemed to be a feeling echoed in each and every one of my co-workers. I was pretty happy when I went home early - it was a victory of boredom, tiredness and laziness, therefore making it the ideal victory.

I think tonight was a victory for underachievers everywhere, and I was the one who prospered.

The sun is up, the sky is blue

2006-01-21T00:41:00.000-08:00

Even though it seems like the summertime has just begun, the first signs that I have to return to the reality of learning, writing, examinations and coldness are already seeping through. It's a special kind of depression that hits when Warehouse Stationery begins advertising its back to school specials, the company slogan "why pay full price?" almost a metaphor for more existential questions. The dreamlike daze of summer is ending, to give way to the grey winter, and sometimes I think god himself is taunting me via Dowsons ads. I've always considered god to be a bit of a prick, anyway, I mean in the Bible it says it's highly sinful to yoke a donkey and an ox together. I don't see anything wrong with that, personally, but to be honest I'm a bit afraid to do it lest god smites me or something similarly biblical.

The past few days have been eventful, with my finally getting a learner's licence to drive. The sole reason for this was not some proactive nonsense about me taking control of my life, no, it was so I have ID because I really want to go and see an R18 Bonnie Prince Billy show or two next month. The test was easy, all the same. I mean I've had like four and a half years to study for it and I'd basically consider myself slightly less than a human being if I got any questions wrong. I think this is a good measure of someone's mettle and it can be applied to anyone with similar results - luckily, I didn't make a single incorrect answer, thus redeeming myself in my own eyes and probably someone else's too!

Then, yesterday, I somewhat masochistically decided to work for fourteen hours straight. It will be fun, I told myself. I was direly, direly wrong. I arrived at work at 8am and left at 10pm with a sore finger, aching shoulders, and an intense desire to slash someone's face. Perhaps it was the bizarrely sincere misogyny of one of my co-workers or the complete morons I had for customers, but yesterday wasn't particularly happy. Things went from bad to worse when a fat girl in a miniskirt bent over in front of me! I mean, I've said some mean things and I've disliked a fair few people in my time, but believe me when I say nobody should have to see what I witnessed yesterday.

My family has up and left, leaving me all alone! Were I one of today's hottest teens, I would have a totally awesome party, but for me it's just a wonderful opportunity to sing "I Saw Her Standing There" by the Beatles extremely loudly as I wander around the house.

Freak out in a moonage daydream!

2006-01-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

Hello friends! I'd quite like to direct all of you to the place where the magic happens - the magic of music! I am not just some heartthrob cinema worker, no that is only one facet of my life! I am a mad of words and a man of music. You've seen the words, and prepare to be dazzled by my formidable musical talents... on the INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY!

kayak time

2006-01-13T19:11:00.000-08:00

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU TOBAY!!!!!!~!2

I've been pushed to the edge by my headache blues

2006-01-11T00:33:00.000-08:00

There is a dairy that marks a quarter of the way from my house to work, or if I am walking home, three quarters of the way home. It stands at the far end of Burwood Road, not quite next to Burwood School but it is most certainly in the same general area. Every day on my way home from work, I stop in there and purchase a lemonade flavoured Popsicle, as while they are plain, they are the most delicious of all Popsicle flavours.

The man behind the counter is kindly and Chinese, he speaks in a gentle and barely audible or coherent voice, but you know you can trust him when you look at him. "Ninety cent," he says to me when I buy my block of ice. "Than kyoo!"

As I have been working quite a bit lately, I've become something of a regular at the dairy. The man behind the counter recognises me when I walk in, he knows what I'll buy, and he knows that I know how much it will cost. It is a delicate bond forged over flavoured ice, and this bond was SHATTERED last week when I went into the dairy to find that it was not the kindly man behind the counter, but some damned woman! She didn't recognise me, and she didn't know that I know how much a Popsicle costs.

I haven't been to the dairy since. Sometimes I wonder if the man behind the counter misses me, because sometimes I think that I miss him.

When you hear the sound you'll know

2006-01-09T00:24:00.000-08:00

My wonderful workplace today announced that in the name of a "streamlined and able team" or something along those lines, we will be individually assessed in four different disciplines of cinema work. I'm assuming this means we'll be fired if we are not awesome, which is GREAT. To be honest, I just think we need to cull a few people named Stacey and we'll be fine! Or they could, you know, actually train people on their jobs!

Today a customer yelled at me because I sold him a ticket to "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" but he wanted a ticket to "Narnia!" Personally, I think we should be assessed according to the insane crap our customers come up with, because I would surely be employee of the month ALL THE TIME.

OH MY GOSH ITS AN ALIEN!

2006-01-05T03:43:00.000-08:00

On a sunny afternoon

2006-01-05T02:17:00.000-08:00

a nice cool beverage TO QUENCH MY THIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've gotta find a new place where the kids are hip

2006-01-03T01:33:00.000-08:00

Dear people who drive cars!

When you are turning left at a roundabout, it doesn't mean you don't have to indicate! Thanks for nearly running me over, you stupid son of a bitch.

I used to know a guy in my class called Terry. He was nice enough, but dumb as a post, and possibly a little bit retarded. Today I started wondering, and I think I'm pretty sure he must be dead by now. He was the very definition of an oaf. There is quite simply no way someone hasn't taken him out, or he hasn't inadvertantly fallen under a ride-on lawnmower. I think that would be a fitting, albeit stupid, way to die.

Superman or Green Lantern ain't got nothing on me

2006-01-02T02:48:00.000-08:00

So today I was in town with my pals Marc, Richard and Simone when a hideous abomination of the deep came to us. I knew then and there that I had seen the devil, and it was a glue sniffing middle-aged woman.

"Excuse me," she spoke, "but do you have any change?"
As she talked she revealed inhumanly large teeth, yellow in colour, in stark contrast to the white glue around her lips. I looked into her eyes, but only saw terror. This woman had brought down plagues upon nations, destroyed cities and probably created AIDS. I don't give money to vagrants, so I politely declined.
"What do you want the money for?" asked Simone foolishly. You don't ask a vagrant a question, you kill it as soon as you can. That's the only way they'll learn.
"Oh, it's a hot day and I want a cold drink" the vagrant hissed. I think I could actually see the foul smell radiating off her.
"There's a public fountain over there," said Marc, always on hand with practical advice. But the woman did not care for this, and we saw then and there that she was a dirty whorebag. She sauntered off, asking more complete strangers for money. All declined. However, this vagrant was smarter than most, and I could tell that the glue had not entirely destroyed her mind, as hers was a mind that could not be destroyed by any such mortal substance. No, she asked a man for money as he made a withdrawl from an ATM - a fatal mistake!

This man was the ideal target. He clearly had money, as he was an ATM, and he looked pretty much completely retarded. The vagrant pounced, seeing the doors of opportunity open like the gates of hell, but rather than being greeted by a three-headed dog, she was greeted with retarded accomodation. He clearly told her to come with him some where, as he walked off with her quickly following him. I don't know what happened after that, but one thing's certain - somebody got raped today.

And that, my friends, is irrefutable proof of the existence of the devil. Stay strong!

Sunshine been keeping me up for days

2005-12-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

So, Christmas was five days ago. I just now recieved a present from my aunt and uncle, consisting of a $20 note taped to a pasta snack.

I mean, what the hell?

If I seem to act unkind, it's only me, it's not my mind

2005-12-27T00:43:00.000-08:00

For Christmas my family and I voyaged over to the wonderful town that is Twizel. Twizel is the sort of town that dances out of step with time, entirely isolated from the outside world, but still showing signs of modern life such as the skate park, or the new Placemakers they're recently recieved. The entire town is an outskirt of nothing in particular, there's no reason for it to exist but there's also really no reason for it not to. When you stand high on a hill and you can see the point where the sky, the land and the sea all fade into one another, that's where Twizel is.

I was wearing my Beatles t-shirt in Twizel's mall today, when a Twizel teenager, surrounded by goons, spoke to me.

"The Beatles are old," he said.
"Yes," I replied.
"This is new," he said, showing me his necklace.
"Okay," I said, continuing my journey.

Like the town itself, the teenagers of Twizel are confused. They know they're supposed to be hip, obnoxious and condescending, as is the nature of the teenager, but they're not exactly sure how. This, I think, is a fitting metaphor for Twizel, because I haven't used enough metaphors already in this journal entry so far.

Be still, Cody

2005-12-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

Vladimir, what's this blip right over here?

I don't know.
I've been trying to figure that out.

We might have them both mixed up,
or it could be the other way around.

But we're gonna be right on top of it
first thing in the morning.

Hmm.

- Good eye, Ned.
- Thank you.

Should we investigate it?

Yeah. Let's make a quick dive at : a.m.,
and we'll scope out the phantom signal.

- It's probably just one of
Hennessey's research turtles.
- Yes.

But I wanna be
back on the road by lunch.

Do me a favor.

Next time you get a hot idea
in front of the reporter...

whisper it
in my ear first.

Otherwise I look like
kind of a daydream johnny. You know?

Daydream johnny, yes.

You let him change your name?

Well, we changed it together.

- What was it before?
- Edward Plimpton.

That's a million times better.
Change it back, Ned.

I really don't see you
as a Kingsley Zissou.

Do you think Steve and I
have a family resemblance?

No.

I guess it doesn't
really matter anyway.

Here.

I stole it back.

I strung it on some peppermint
dental floss...

in case you wanna
wear it like a necklace.

Happy with the piece, Jane?

What are you
doing in here?

Am I? No.

Put that down.

I assume I'm Mr. Z.

I'm sorry that you think
my red hat is, uh-

What's the word you use?
"Contrived."

And that...

"The Zissou of my childhood represents
all the dreams I've come to regret."

What? Why?

I'm going to have to start
locking my f-ing door.

It was locked.
I kicked it in.

Why don't you just curse
like other people?

Because I'm trying to get out of the habit
before I have my fucking baby!

Okay.
That makes sense.

If I lived in Russia I'd still have Chinese children

2005-12-22T02:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I thought a week off work would rekindle my love for the cinema, but as soon as I returned today it immediately sucked my soul out once more. I don't think it helps that I only had new people working with me, and I have nothing but disdain for people I don't know and therefore don't like to talk to them. I'm sure it's very unhealthy, but having nobody I really want to talk to did somewhat stunt my cinema lust.

That said, they are playing the Beatles' 1 CD as the new house music at work! This makes me very pleased. I was doing the rounds of the cinema, singing along to the sultry sounds of Day Tripper as I like that song almost the best on that CD, when some customers TOOK ME BY SURPRISE by standing like right next to me. Now, this gives me a choice of two things I can do in this situation - stop singing and therefore show your shame, or keep singing. There's really nothing else you can do. "She's a big teaser," I sung as I walked by. "She took me half-a-way there." Foolish I may have looked to them, but my dignity was retained today.

ATTACK ATTACK!

2005-12-18T22:06:00.000-08:00

MAMA MIA HERE I GO AGAIN MY MY HOW CAN I RESIST YOU. MAMA MIA DOES IT SHOW AGAIN MY MY JUST HOW MUCH I'VE MISSED YOU.

These are the immortal words of Abba and the words of Bwad to Sewa. I miss them!

YES I'VE BEEN BROKEN HEARTED BLUE SINCE THE DAY WE PARTED WHY WHY DID I EVER LET YOU GO MAMA MIA NOW I REALLY KNOW WHY WHY I CAN NEVER LET YOU GO

YOUR EYES YOUR CONCRETE EYES!

That is all.

the rocket twins 4 eva

We feel okay, which is how we feel most of the time now

2005-12-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

Because I'm currently in Oamaru, I'm not in Christchurch and therefore cannot work at the cinema for like a week. This is a good thing, because a week off is exactly what I need. It becomes an exciting dilemma when I consider that I also direly need money, but that can wait! For now I will bask in the sultry charms of hilly, foggy cloudy Oamaru and its dingy historical backstreets.

There is an art gallery that Amanda and I went to today in the historic precinct which is run by crazy people and bohemians. If there's one person I don't trust, it's a bohemian and my disdain for them runs through my veins like heroin, or a similar form of opium. They are absolute scum, but on the other hand the art they make is really awesome so this leaves me at a bit of a crossroads. Screw you, bohemia.

I guess because it's the holiday season, my InterCity bus that I caught to Oamaru was full to the brim, thus forcing me to sit next to an old woman who inexplicably smelt like the honey they use to sweeten lemonade. She turned to me and said, "I bet you don't know what's going on because of that racket in your headphones." My response of not-too-forced laughter was supposed to be friendly, but I think I just came off as creepy and slightly upsetting, like New Zealand demi-celebrity Tom Hern's MySpace profile. I had a similar effect on the new people at work the other week, I guess this is the gods of funs' way of telling me I am not to make friends. I don't care, it's not like I like that many people anyway.

Here comes the sun again

2005-12-13T02:09:00.000-08:00

One of our (sort of redundant) jobs at work is to clean the clear plastic boxes which encase all our movie posters. This gets done about eighteen times a day, as it's the easiest way to look like we're doing work, even though it's really of absolutely no consequence. One time, I saw a certain cinema worker cleaning the Aeon Flux poster box by spraying an awful lot of window cleaner right into the iris of Charlize Theron's eye. Now, I know there's something not quite right about that, but I can't put my finger on what. Sort of like flying a kite at nighttime, there's something inherently wrong there that defies all rational thought. It's just wrong.

The more I think, the more Bukowski (as quoted by Frank) was right: Why try?

I see a darkness

2005-12-11T03:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I'm at work dealing with customers, I wonder if people just come to a point in their lives when they think "well, I'm trash, I'm giving up." Is this the deciding moment where middle-aged women cut their hair short and put lots of gel in it in a spiky/slick style which screams poverty? Is this when they buy thousands of cheap looking gold bangles and necklaces, and put on too much makeup? Is this when they wear clothing made only of denim? I hope I never come to such a moment, myself. No, I will remain eternally youthful. The gods of fun have made it so.

Come to the observatory

2005-12-07T02:25:00.000-08:00

As Trent Reznor once so solemnly said, "everyone I know goes away in the end." I never really could relate to most of what that wacky bastard said, but right now I know exactly what it means! The first blow was the most crippling, when my darling Amanda left me for the sultry charms of Oamaru, only to follow in my footsteps and get a job in a cinema. The second blow was the insult to the first's injury, the salt in the wound. Lonesome, I have turned to HARD LIQUOR and class A drug abuse to destroy my sorrows.

After a heady binge, I woke up on the back of a farmer's ute.
"What're you doing, boy?" he asked me in a gruff voice.
"I'm late for work," I replied.
He drove me to work, which only served to destroy another of my rules in life, that is, never trust a farmer. This was a good farmer, a diamond in the rough. I wouldn't tell him that though, because he might call me a "faggot" and possibly attack me with a flaming pitchfork!

My life is one big glory.

Take a little time for yourself

2005-12-06T01:45:00.000-08:00

I've recently decided that the best word ever is "gobble." I like the word so much I've been trying to work it into my daily vocabulary - with wacky results!

Take yesterday, for instance. I'd just gotten home, and I said to my father, "I could do with something to gobble." He was rather bewildered. I was happy. It was a good bonding session.

There is no growing in knowing where you're going

2005-12-04T04:20:00.000-08:00

Well today I felt like a delicious sandwich. Luckily for me there is a bakery near my house, so I went there to see if their filled rolls were any good. I had a chicken one, and I guess it was alright, but not quite delicious.

Going to work don't want to go feeling low down

2005-12-03T02:01:00.000-08:00

Because the Christchurch bus system are total god damn scumbags who raise prices for no reason, and I'm a dork who never learnt to drive, I've taken to walking to work lately. This way, I guess I'm getting all healthy and feeling good and whatnot, but to be honest I really don't care about that stuff. I just can't afford to ride the bus anymore. And yesterday I was walking to work when I was stuck behind another slow walker. I walk fast. However, it is very very bad footpath etiquette to overtake someone while walking, and it just makes me look like a jerk when I do so. Thus, I was forced to walk slowly behind this fat scumbag.

Now, I hate fatties, and I hate walking slowly. But my ridiculous meander was made more fun when I noticed he had writing all over his bag. This wasn't the usual teenage backpack graffiti, however, this was absolutely insane, like the Nightmare board game I once bought for a dollar from a garage sale. There was a crudely drawn swastika, and all over it said "die gooks die" and "go home Asiens (sic)." Yes, this person was truly a winner. Then when I walked into the Palms I saw this girl who hates me and says I "dress poor" and lives down my street, and I hate that bulldog bitch.

Sometimes I think walking to work really isn't that bad.

Landsharks

2005-12-01T02:43:00.000-08:00

The term "landshark" comes from the Latin "landesharki" which means "landshark." Known as "king of the depths and the land," the landshark is a special variety of shark which is capable of navigating land terrain via the use of its wheels, which are located in its underbelly.

Mating rituals
The female landshark choses her mate according to which potential suitor landshark can propel itself the fastest on its wheels. The male landshark uses its flippers to propel itself and is capable of reaching speeds of up to 40 km/h on land. A fast landshark is a sign of mating superiority, which is understandably very attractive to the females. Landsharks give birth via a pod on the female landshark's back, which contains thousands of tiny baby landsharks.

Day-to-day living habits
Every day the male landshark gets up and rolls around on its wheels for a while, before coming home to a delicious meal prepared by his wife. The female landshark cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids. As landsharks are amphibious, they care capable of visiting shopping destinations such as Binn Inn.

Predatorial habits
The landshark's obvious main enemy is the dinosaur Tyrannosaurus Rex, as well as humans. While it could totally beat up a t-rex in a fight, the landsharks have put together a shaky truce with humans, where neither kills the other. As landsharks are invisible to drunkards, this truce is largely maintained. Landsharks survive by rolling about the seabed, feeding on barnacles and delicious meals prepared by she-landsharks.

I hope you learnt something vital today about this exciting fish!

PLAY my green tambourine

2005-11-27T01:24:00.000-08:00

Today at work I fell down the stairs in the admin corridor. I would somehow report this as a health and safety issue, but I think it would be really funny if it happened to someone else so I'm just going to leave it for now.

The following happened to someone else at another cinema, and was written by him:

So I had this customer, and I was giving him change but I thought I'd accidentally given him $3 too much! I said to him "I think I've given you too much change" and he was all "I think so too" and he left. So, in order for my till to have the right amount of money in it at the end of my shift, I intentionally ripped off another customer for $3 more than I needed to. Boy was my face red when it was revealed I had $3 too much in my till come cashing up time! Ha! Ha!

Also, some lady came up to me today and said "what time is the 8:30 session of Harry Potter tonight?" I was all, "um."

They call me mellow yellow!

2005-11-23T04:28:00.000-08:00

It was dark, except for an exciting fireball explosion that pierced the night sky around us. We forgot how cold we were, our worries about how what we were doing was totally illegal, and basked in the glory of all that was Death Bomb 2: Death Bomb of Fire. It didn't have the gasoline that was originally part of the plan, but it didn't need it. The explosion was all we needed.

At this point, I think the guy from the Tuffy ads is now more Tuffy than he is man. Just as Tuffy absorbs even the toughest of kitchen stains, it has absorbed him into what I call "the Tuffy mind."

Sun came softly

2005-11-20T22:47:00.000-08:00

So, for my allergies (the bastards refuse to test me, so I don't know what I'm allergic to) I have to take pills. I did some working out, and if I take a pill every day, my last pill will be on Christmas Eve. Which makes it sort of like an advent calendar, one which can be used to manufacture P.

It seems sort of maladaptive to show anorexic people pictures of really skinny people, and I think that's why I find it funny. God, I am a horrible person.

Hit TV series 24!!!

2005-11-18T00:02:00.000-08:00

And I've made my mind up, you're going to be mine

2005-11-16T03:08:00.000-08:00

UPDATE on the mysterious person who was sneaking into my back yard from the swamp behind my house! Well a couple of days ago my $120 pair of Levi's jeans went missing, and I am assuming this intruding son of a bitch stole them from the clothes line! Seriously, what a god damn scumbag. At least he has good taste in clothing.

Anyway, Bill Cosby rules.

Got lonesome fuel for fire

2005-11-13T02:25:00.000-08:00

Last night, we lit a fire as an offering to lord of the Aegean and god of the oceans, Poseidon! But no, his waves didn't reach our fire! I think the reason people don't believe in Poseidon anymore is because he was a little bitch who couldn't reach a small fire as an offering. Seriously, screw you Poseidon.

I bought a Beach Boys CD, so I can listen to luscious falsetto harmonies wherever I go! This is a good thing, because even in the darkest days of winter it will be just like I am in the Californian sun in the mid-1960s, and that's the place to be!

tick tick tick tick

2005-11-10T05:04:00.000-08:00

BOOM!

Lovely Rita, meter maid!

2005-11-10T02:17:00.000-08:00

Tonight, just as I was finishing work, my life took a turn... FOR THE WORSE!!! It turns out that there really are frightening crazy people in the world, and at least one of them is solely after me and me only. My cellular phone buzzed, and I recieved the following chilling message:

Hu is this?

Destiny had called me, and it couldn't spell the word "who." At this stage, I thought it might be a friend or family member who wanted to know who I was. I replied -

This is Toby. Who are you?

It was sort of unusual, but alarm bells weren't ringing, yet! An unnervingly short amount of time later, my retarded friend "hit me back."

Stef wer r u fr0m?

Alarm bells were ringing! Not a single word in that sentence was in fact a real word, and one of the many rules I live my life by is "never trust someone who doesn't talk in real words." I thought I'd cut straight to the chase. I wasn't having this.

I hate you

This was logical, but our text battle soon took a turn for the bizarre!

W0w! r u hungary?

I don't see how hating someone could mean I am a small European country! This had gone far enough!

No seriously, I really do hate you

As you can see, my reply was simple and close to the point! I suppose she grasped my hatred this time, and knew I was a terrible enemy to have:

Hw kum?

Again with the not a single real word! Jesus Stef, what the hell is wrong with you? I decided I would sort it out. Draw a line in the sand.

You are filthy scum, the lowest of the low

I don't really know what her reply meant, so I will leave it to you to decide!

D u knw hu ths is? kvs i think gt tha r0ng person

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!

I know exactly who you are. You know what you did, Stef.

0k

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER

I bt i kn i gt ths real gd hidn plac n01 eva finds me wen we play find nd g0 sek!

YOU'RE GOING DOWN, STEF! YOU'RE GOING DOWN

Get a little bit of hi-fi

2005-11-09T01:47:00.000-08:00

So I developed a most peculiar reaction to something! I'm not sure what it was, but it has caused my face to go a delicate shade of bright red, and it fetches all the ladies! Yesterday it was pretty bad so I had to go to the doctor and she was a DIRTY WHOREBAG who WANTS TO TAKE ALL OF MY MONEY. You see, I have had this problem before and knew just the drug for it! I specifically asked for that, but this slut put me on some weaker drug and told me to come back on Thursday, to see if it's still bad. Well of course it will still be bad, you stupid bitch, you gave me the worst drug ever! And they're going to charge me for tomorrow's visit to... that is, IF I WAS GOING TO GO TO THE DOCTOR TOMORROW. My body totally decided to stick it to the man by making me feel pretty alright now, despite my face still being fuscia.

My little brother just saw someone sneaking into my backyard! I live by a swamp, and am therefore forced to assume the person in my backyard was a swamp monster.

Day of the Death Bomb

2005-11-06T03:58:00.000-08:00

Last night Rose called my "the most inappropriate person [she's] ever met" and she also called my shirt "ugly," but also said "but that's you." Thanks a lot, Rose. Then, as if to add insult to injury, I was nearly killed by fireworks. I looked death in the eyes last night, but it was strangely comforting. I fear death no more, not the firey green death I will one day succumb to.

Tonight was the night that Captain M unleashed the unholy power of his Death Bomb. I was feeling pretty good about my chances of survival, until M revealed he was mentored in his bomb making mostly by the illustrious bombsmith "eminem_69." The bomb was crafted with chemicals and fireworks, a recipe for hilarity and disaster! The explosion rained fire upon the beach tonight, sparkly colourful fire, illuminating the night sky and warming my heart.

The university year began with me developing a weird allergic reaction to something (I still don't know what) that resulted in my face becoming swollen and extremely sore. I could not see out of one of my eyes, such was the damage. Just as the year began with a bizarre skin condition, so too will it end - the day of my last exam, I notice my eyes becoming very sore and very puffy. Right now it just looks like I'm wearing red eye shadow, but I think the harsh reality of allergies will soon hit me and I fear for myself and those around me.

In memorandum

2005-11-03T02:08:00.000-08:00

Amanda's beloved pet mouse, Mary Lou passed away tonight. She will, however, be immortalised in my hit song "Of Mice and Men," in which I proclaim she will never be a mayor because she is a mouse. It is a sad time for all involved.

I LET MY FATHER DOWN

2005-10-31T23:58:00.000-08:00

The title is a hilarious reference to a song I wrote about a year and a half ago, but it is also disturbingly relevant!

Tonight I took my father to see the World's Fastest Indian, as he was jazzing to see it and I thought it was pretty good and I wouldn't mind seeing it again. BUT TURMOIL AT THE CINEMA it was full! And now I am forced to not watch it and I let my father down.

The other day I was walking through the mall, and some sales lady said "Hi, how are you?" I stopped and replied "good, thanks." She sort of laughed awkwardly so I left. It was awesome.

Meaner than a wet cat!

2005-10-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

So today Amanda and I went to see the Corpse Bride. I liked it better the second time I saw it and the cute explanation for this was that Amanda was with me but I think it's actually just because I wasn't worried about her like I was last time. OH GOD

So I was walking home, and when I walk I like to walk as fast as possible in order to get places faster. You can imagine my dismay, then, when I was stuck behind some stupid whorebeast walking as slowly as possible all the way down New Brighton Road. Now, some people say the best thing I could have done in this situation is overtake her, but nobody wants to overtake someone when walking because it just makes you look like a huge jerk. So I was forced to walk as slow as this girl all the way home. Then she turned to walk down Lake Terrace Drive and I wasn't having any of that for any longer so I killed her.

The Undertaker taken under.....

2005-10-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE: an epic saga

2005-10-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

So this morning I woke up to what has been heralded by critics everywhere as "the worst day of my life, ever." Well, I actually woke up like eight times because for some god forsaken reason my phone was all buzzing all night because it is a god damn prick bastard who doesn't realise that I know I have two new voicemails, I just don't want to listen to them. So getting sleep last night was about as enjoyable as watching a routine by taboo puppeteer David Strassman on repeat for several weeks, and when I finally did it was daybreak!

I made my way into the kitchen of my house only to find the cupboard was bare! We had no bread! This meant I had to not only buy my breakfast (although I'd probably rather have luscious chocolate Up and Go for breakfast that Weet-Bix) but also my lunch! This was unacceptable! So I was tired and hungry, which is never a great start to THE WORST DAY OF ALL TIME.

I took the bus to university, which was already occupied by this god damn girl who is always on my bus and I think she's a vegan or something, either way she's a dirty whorebag and I hate her. She looks like a vegan, and one time I saw her eating noodles on the bus and there was no meat of any sort in the noodles. In fact, it was just plain noodles. Who the hell does that? You're not even allowed to eat on the bus, but vegans have some sort of "vegan code" in which they can do whatever they like because they're saving animals. Shut up you stupid bitch, I say. Anyway, the bus ride was pretty uneventful.

I got to university and went to the bookshop because I realised I forgot my pen. The "alternative" girl behind the counter looked all mad at me when I paid for a 95 cent pen on eftpos, but I don't take crap from bulldykes. I shrugged off her disapproval and I think I may have berated her in my drunken stupor, I do not know. I then went to the James Hight cafeteria, where I bought chocolate milk because they had no Up and Go, and damned if I'm walking to god damn Unimart for a proper breakfast, and some Lift Plus because I had two exams that day and the can said it helped improve my mind. Never, under any circumstances, have what scientists are now calling a "lethal cocktail" of chocolate milk and Lift Plus for breakfast. It resulted in all of my tastebuds exploding (in a bad way) and a nervous twitch in my knee throughout the rest of the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

So, I had an exam clash. I was forced to converse with an overweight man who was approximately seven hundred years old, who directed me to a tiny room which contained a guy who looked like he stopped maturing at age seven and somehow managed to grow a glorious beard, a girl who looked like a bear and a guy whose skin resembled a corn fritter. The exam itself was alright, but I don't really have much to say on the matter except I am so pleased I managed to work the word "gargantuan" in. And the incredibly creepy living corpse watching over the exam kept staring at me, and I cried.

In order to stop me from sharing precious exam questions with all my friends, I was then forced to sit in a room with my disgustingly ugly exam friends as well as a selection of other people for THREE HOURS waiting for my next exam to start. This was possibly the most boring three hours OF MY LIFE except I did draw a really awesome picture of a fat guy, which I would totally be scanning in if my scanner worked. I also managed to convince one of the supervisors to buy me a Coke when he went out to get coffees for all the other supervisors, but he seemed really mad when he gave it to me. I felt sort of guilty for a while, but then I realised I really don't care.

Second exam! English. This one I sat with a fat girl who looked suspiciously like an elephant (not just because she was fat, but this may have enhanced it) and some alternative whore who was wearing fluro cricket shoes. It was the kind of excruciating exam where you basically write the same thing over and over, and reiterate exactly what you'd been taught in that class. Three hours later, I left with an extremely sore hand from holding my cheap, painful 95 cent pen, a fitting pen for THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I then got back on the bus, possibly the same bus I rode to university nine hours prior! That god damn vegan slut was on the bus again, and I was understandably really angry, but this anger turned into fear when a familiar, retarded face slowly turned around from the front of the bus to survey the passengers. Yes, my old chum Creepy Retard was on the bus, smiling staring and grunting as he always seems to EVERY SINGLE TIME I CATCH A BUS. Seriously, I think this guy watches me and then makes sure he's on every bus I am on because he is a creepy, creepy man. I quickly evaded his retarded charms once I got to the Palms bus stop and wandered into work, where Sam was putting together a Harry Potter standee - a rare glimmer of happiness in what was otherwise THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I wandered around at work for a while, when I saw my clean cut candy close partner Greg enter. We started work, which was sort of unremarkable except for the fact that I think Camilla was hopped up on party pills and we served the illustrious Middle-Aged Moron Club. A seething mass of ugly knit jerseys and wire-rimmed glasses, the Middle-Aged Moron Club is a group of disgusting old men who are completely and utterly retarded. I dearly wanted to knock them out but I might get fired, so I refrained. However, after I finished work I successfully murdered at least seven of them in the parking lot!

When we were closing up the candy bar, Greg inexplicably decided to take about ten minutes to put lids on ice cream containers. This was not healthy! Also, some cleaner scumbag actually stole one of our mop buckets. That was a perfect example of how illiterate foreigners working to support their children can TOTALLY RUIN MY DAY, except it was already ruined! I wasn't entirely sure what to do, since my day was already ruined, so I sort of shrugged and I fully expect it to ruin tomorrow instead!

So I was about to leave and a horrible horrible screeching noise comes from downstairs in the mall. A bunch of builder scumbags thought it would be a really great idea to cut concrete because my day wasn't already THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. They weren't even cutting concrete for any reason, they're just disgusting builders, who I believe are the lowest common denominators. After cleaners.

I got home, and finally sat down and had a rest. It was a fitting end to THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, unless tomorrow my parents die in a freak car accident or something, in which case all this WORST DAY OF MY LIFE stuff will probably seem pretty silly. Oh well, I'm still the king.

Says he's got a big boat

2005-10-24T01:54:00.000-07:00

Above you will find a cake Simone baked, moments before we ate it. It was a pretty good cake, and I hope it satiates everyone's need for hot bakery photography.

Today I took my mother to see Pride and Prejudice, and my mother was all "oh do you get tickets from the candy bar? I could do with an ice cream" and then I was all, "god, you're one of those people." But I figure now that I'm over eighteen it's no longer uncool to be seen at the movies with a parent. In fact, it shows that I am a tender family man!

Tune in tomorrow when I give details on THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE: two exams, neither of which I am prepared for, followed by glorious glorious work featuring Reading Cinema #1 heartthrob, Greg! It promises to be roughly fourteen hours of pure unadulterated pain.

I know that you're home

2005-10-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

In my latest (and final) This is Poverty column in the Canta, I proclaimed that God totally failed to defeat his all-time high score for natural disasters this year which he set with the Boxing Day tsunami last year. In an obvious attempt to make me look like a bastard, God's gone and made these earthquakes in Pakistan, where he has set himself a new record! Screw you, God.

Last night at the flat, Monique's drunken friend Charlotte, who attends the school of performing arts, came over. We were having some sort of philosophical discussion about society and nature, and she's not really the kind of person who shuts up in an argument. So I was all, "if this was a debate about singing and dancing, sure you'd win, but I go to university!" I figure, if I'm going to offend someone I might as well totally burn them at the same time. So, there's one more person in the world who thinks I'm a bastard.

This is possibly the least sensitive and most arrogant post I have made yet! Milestone!

Selling secrets to a pinstripe piano

2005-10-19T04:19:00.000-07:00

Today I caught the bus to university, because I'm the kind of dork who goes in even during a break. I eventually realised that everyone else had gotten off the bus, leaving me alone with the driver. This was a very unsettling thought, particularly because the driver appeared to be some sort of lunatic she-beast straight from hell. My discomfort was exemplified when she turned around and yelled "YOU'RE THE LAST ONE LEFT ON THE BUS! IT'S YOU AND ME!"

I was all, "okay."

In that old familiar way

2005-10-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got my hair cut, and it is a very different look for me. I decided to take some "before and after" photos so you can see the stunning difference for yourself! What a stunning transformation.

Before:

After:

On this radio campaign

2005-10-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I was walking through the mean streets, when this car full of steakheads drove by. They honked the horn and yelled something at me (I don't know if they knew how to talk) so I did what I always do in difficult situations: pulled a thunbs-up at them. They replied by "flipping the bird," as some would have it. Apparently a thumbs-up is a universal sign of "please drive around the block so you can yell and do the fingers at me again like three times, thanks" because that is exactly what they did! I am really terrified of such people and I can only be glad that community watch is always on hand!

Today I watched the World's Fastest Indian, and Anthony Hopkins sort of talks in a New Zealand accent, in a way that sounds nothing like one. I'd say it's his second-best performance I've seen yet, after the time he played the lead in Shakespeare's Othello. You know, the character of Othello, who is black, just like Anthony Hopkins.

Broken nails from climbing out of sticky situations

2005-10-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight after work I saw the Burwood/Pegasus Community Watch car drive by. I figure, if anyone's going to CRACK DOWN on gang violence in my neighbourhood, it's a couple of old men in pyjamas, who cruise around shopping malls in a stupid looking car.

I feel safe!

In which I muck in madly

2005-10-11T02:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight at work I had to do a rad function. I was the champ of that function. I was on with Li. She spoke of hair dye. This woman wanted orange juice with lemonade in it. But we had none of that at the bar because the bar does not have a postmix tower. So I knocked that bitch out.

God I'm awesome.

I wore my monster mask to the supermarket after I finished work. The cashier called me "Frankenstein" and I was all "you illiterate fool, if I were any of pop cultures creations I would be Frankensteins monster not Frankenstein". She was all "Do you have your one card?" and I was all "yes. Do you swipe it this way around?". It was rad.

Worst supermarket converstion ever.

Everything seems new again

2005-10-10T03:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight I missed my bus home from Amanda's, but the bus finder thing said another one was coming in ten minutes, so I walked down to university to wait for a bus. As I sat there eating a bag of chips, some glue sniffer came up to me and just stared at me. I was subconsciously tapping my feet to the music that I was listening to, and as he stared at my feet, he began to bob his head up and down rhythmically.
"Hello," I said. "Nice glue?"
He sort of grunted at me, but continued to stare.
"I hear Selley's All-Clear is good!" I offered.
He turned and walked away from me, but after about five metres he stopped and began to stare at me again. I was pretty proud of frightening a glue sniffer, but at the same time sad. That glue sniffer was my friend, tonight.

2005-10-07T03:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight at work I listened to Solid Gold on the radio for around seven hours straight. It was really awesome when From Me to You by the Beatles came on, and because it's not on any of their albums I didn't think I knew it but it turns out I knew all the words anyway. Then Mareta came in and was all "you're weird" and I stopped singing, because I don't really want to sweetly serenate Mareta with the tender words of Lennon and McCartney. I mean, Mareta's nice and all, but her name rhymes with Loretta and when I see her I'm always all like "get back, MARETA!!!" to the tune of Get Back. And I have a girlfriend anyway, she'd probably frown upon me serenading other girls.

In American Studies, I learnt that Greg Louganis has a warm smile.

2005-10-06T01:41:00.000-07:00

Are you terrified? ARE YOU!!!!!! ARE YOU!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Return of the Mack

2005-10-05T03:46:00.000-07:00

I think my bus driver today was Charles Manson. He sort of gave it away when he got a bunch of his minions to murder a pregnant woman and dig out the unborn child! It made me sad. Every time I listen to my Beatles albums backwards, it just makes Ringo's songs sound even funnier, but I don't really want to kill people unless something like Piggies or I Me Mine comes on.

I really hate it how there's that TV ad about the woman trying to make a pot in her pottery class, and you think this will be some sort of great ad for pots or something, then a voice over obnoxiously yells "VAGINAL THRUSH." They could at least have content in the ad relevant to vaginal thrush. I mean, sure, it'd be about ten times more disgusting but at least I wouldn't be really annoyed every time it came on.

Actually, that's probably a lie.

Stalked by the vampire

2005-10-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was on my way home from Amanda's, walking through the dark suburban streets. As I walked through a park near my house, I saw all these dark shadows moving in the distance up ahead, and considering there's apparently a big gang problem in Christchurch I was understandably quite frightened! Luckily for me I had my monster mask in my bag, and with that on I felt safe. I mean, you totally don't mess with a monster.

Fixing a hole

2005-09-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

When gravy is left out, it sort of solidifies and becomes jelly-like.

I guess that makes it the world's worst treat.

vs. hoodrats

2005-09-28T04:45:00.000-07:00

Today my Mass Communication essay required a trip to the Engineering library, which is handily located in the Engineering block at university. The last time I went there, I found it was the single worst building ever and I made a promise to myself never to return, UNLESS IT WAS DIRELY NEEDED. That day, I am sad to say, was today. The Engineering building is right down the opposite end of the university from all my usual haunts (ie. the library and Arts buildings) and so I walked for like ten minutes to get there, and I bloody hate walking. Inside, it was no better. Engineers appear to be slightly less developed than your average person, and several of them tried to yell at me what I guess were meant to be insults! Of course, because they're morons and cannot talk all I heard were indecipherable moans and the occasional distant "I CAN BUILD BRIDGES OUT OF STICKS HUH" echoing through the halls. The library itself looks like a designer kitchen from the 1970s, which some genius decided to fill with books and thus is the worst library ever.

Now, you'd think that the Engineering building, considering it's for ENGINEERING, would have one of the best designed buildings in the university! But it does not! This was initially confusing, but then I realised that the only things engineers have ever used to build with are straws and cheap twine, as per every single Engineering assignment, so when they came to build an entire university department out of straws it obviously failed! They then cobbled together a department using old fridges and spaceships, and now we have the work of art in the university today! See you in hell, Engineering block.

I pushed my machismo too far

2005-09-25T04:37:00.000-07:00

Saturdays are depressing, because I'm constantly reminded that the day after is Sunday, and Sundays are always kind of ominous because I have to go back to university the next day and continue my studies. And Mondays are totally the worst.

The other day, there was this retarded guy on the bus sitting behind us, and he was all jabbering. It sounded sort of like he was having an argument with himself. It wasn't until he got off the bus that I managed to see what he looked like, but he was dribbling everywhere. Disturbed, I took a look at his seat behind me. Mercifully, it wasn't covered in his saliva. I found that pretty funny, because it seems he politely waited until he got off the bus before he began to dribble all over the place.

Never let anyone tell you retards have no etiquette!

SPRING

2005-09-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

that's all

Deep dark well

2005-09-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

Today, at work, this huge guy came up to my till.

Him: "HEY HOW'S IT GOING?"
Me: "oh, it's okay."
Him: "I bet you get paid pretty poorly here huh!!!?!?!"
Me: "oh, it's not too bad."
Him: "bet you have a union, don't you?"
Me: "uh, I guess so"
Him: "did you know that almost EVERY union in New Zealand is run by the ITALIAN MAFIA???!!!"
Me: "no, I did not know that!"
Him: "it's true!"
Me: "oh, okay."
Him: "unions hate crime, but they're all run by the MAFIA!!!"
Me: "um"
Him: "it's all crime! do you know what I mean?"
Me: "I think so"
Him: "YEAH, do you SEE what I'm SAYING?"
Me: "yeah, I see where you're coming from"

Then he walked off. I was completely baffled.

Later on, a conversation between a co-worker and I -

"Hey, Toby, I hear you're not allowed to look at people! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AH HAHA HA AHAHAH HA HA HA HAAHAHA HA HAHA HAHA HA HAHA HAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHA AHA!"

"Yeah."

CHECK OUT what I got for you

2005-09-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

Today I was at the flat, and Matt (who is sleazy) brought one of his many lady friends around. She was a bit tubby.

I walked to university with Amanda, and at the bridge there was some woman trying to convince everyone to donate blood, but last time I tried they were all, "no you're too light," and I was all "I'm 7 kg over the threshold," and they were like "it's too close to the threshold" and then I was like "so why don't you raise the threshold" but it was to no avail. So I walked right past the blood greedy whore, who was grinning happily.

About ten minutes later, I was walking back across the bridge when I saw her again. She still had a ton of leaflets left, and was no longer looking happy. I know I shouldn't take pleasure in other people's misery, but I was secretly glad when she had failed at the most rudimentary task of handing out leaflets.

If they were so desperate for blood they'd employ a vampire, like this one guy I know who looks like a vampire from Buffy. My blood would probably be worth more because of the copious amounts of heroin it contains.

Hello to English!

2005-09-20T05:16:00.000-07:00

Why am I so tired?

2005-09-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

It snowed today.

Brrrr, it's cold in here, there must be some Toros in the atmosphere!

2005-09-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a photo of my backyard. Covered in the snow. Happy snow day!

No one I think is in my tree

2005-09-18T04:35:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I participated in the filming for the hit television show "What Now?" A guy who I guess was the director or something came up to me and said "hey do you want to play Grab the Balls?" I was like, "um."

So, that's my brush with fame. Playing "Grab the Balls" on national live television.

Almost forgot it was twilight

2005-09-16T01:42:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking to class, and the girlfriend of a friend of mine walked past. She waved at me as she went past, but I don't really know her that well, so I was all "oh, okay."

Another friend later told me I was the only person he knew who said "peculiar." I replied, "oh that's pecu... damn it."

In which I get all heated

2005-09-15T03:44:00.000-07:00

So I was watching the leader's debate tonight on TV between Helen Clark and Don Brash. If anyone else was watching, is it just me or did Helen Clark defeat Brash totally? My brother decided he'd be voting for Brash after it, because he's god damn weird (and actually quite conservative), but I really don't see how Brash could possibly come off looking better.

Example: Brash on the "no smoking in bars policy," after Helen Clark went over exactly why that policy is in place - "well, if you're going to work in a bar, prepare for a smoky environment." Nice one, Don!
Don Brash after being asked if the Maori seats will lead to race-based tension in the future: "Well, in 1864 the Maori seats in parliament were first set up..." And them Campbell interrupted him for being a jerk.
Don Brash on mainstream New Zealand: "anybody who agrees with Labour is not a New Zealander... in the mainstream." Oh, thanks. So if he wins, he'll be leading a country, half of whom he doesn't consider real New Zealanders.

I do not understand why anybody - student or otherwise - would vote for National. I think the right wing in this country is losing its grip, which is most certainly a good thing. My voting predicament is large! After looking into it, the Greens actually have the best policies and so on, but then it's far more important to vote for Labour because they're the only real competition for National. Alas!

Why the hell am I being serious?

Another tale of awesomeness

2005-09-14T04:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight at work this gigantic god damn monstrosity kid came in with his mildly retarded-looking father. This kid was pretty much as big as a house, twice as tall as me and about eight times as wide. He also looked about twelve. "Crash," he said to me. "What's it about?" Stacey and I told him the gist of it, and him and retarded dad walked over to the ticket box where they inexplicably stood for about five minutes.

He came back to the candy bar. "Two for Sin City, thanks."
"Uh, I need to see some ID."
"I don't have any ID, can I get tickets here?"
"The movie is R18."
"Yeah, what's your point?"
"Are you eighteen?"
"Yeah, I have an eyebrow ring!"
"Stacey? What do you think?"

Stacey walked over and told him how we could get fined and so on if we sold him tickets and he wasn't eighteen. He repeatedly stated that he was indeed eighteen, and that he has an eyebrow ring. Just at that moment, Tam walked in!

"Are you the manager?"
"Yes, I am."
"Can I go see Sin City?"
"Well do you have ID? Passport? Birth certificate? Driver's licence? Any kind of photo ID is okay."
"I have an eyebrow ring. You can't get one of those if you're not eighteen."
"You can if you have parental consent."
"I didn't get parental concent, did I dad?"

This is where retarded dad really stepped into the limelight. His gigantic son had asked him something, everyone was watching him, and so he naturally stared into the distance with his mouth gaping open.

"I have an eyebrow ring. I turned eighteen three weeks ago!"

I didn't know an eyebrow ring was the equivalent of photo ID.

My Guess is..........

2005-09-14T03:12:00.000-07:00

I have just taken the "What's your personality defect?" test and I got Televangelist. I have decided that I will force Tobias to take the test and I am guessing that THIS will be his defect.... now lets see if I am right!!!!

To clarify: I believe that Toby will get Spiteful Loner-
Spiteful LonerYou are 100% Rational, 0% Extroverted, 100% Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.
You are the Spiteful Loner, the personality type that is most likely to go on a shooting rampage. You are a rational person and tend to hold emotions in very low-esteem; not only that, but you are also rather introverted, meaning you probably bury any emotions you feel deep inside yourself. Combine these traits with your hatred of others and your brutality, and it seems that you would be quite likely to shoot innocent people in a rampage. Not only that, but you are also a very humble person--not a braggart at all--meaning you could possibly have low-self esteem. This is only yet one more incentive to go on a shooting rampage, because you wouldn't care if you died as a result. Granted, you probably haven't gone on a shooting rampage and probably never will, but all the motivations are there. In conclusion, your personality is defective because you are too introverted, brutal, insecure, and rather unemotional. No wonder no one hangs around you, you morbid, cold-hearted freak!
To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Hmmmmmmmmmm that or the sociopath.

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=4741219933576750506

Although, that sounds mean now that I am looking at it again........

Lately I've been hearing about certain girlfriends

2005-09-13T03:52:00.000-07:00

It must suck to be Oscar winning director Jane Campion. I mean, her last name is just one letter away from being "Champion."

I will take the credit

2005-09-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

Today in my English lecturer, some girl behind me said "go to Reading Cinemas in the Palms, they're much better than Hoyts." And I was like, yeah.

The life and times

2005-09-11T03:33:00.000-07:00

So tonight I was sitting around at the flat, when Marc bursts in and says, "hey Toby, there's an abandoned bike up the road, do you want to go and get it?" Naturally, I said yes, and so we got into the car and headed up to where the bike was.

It happened to be right outside this incredibly creepy building which is rumoured to be a secret cult. Marc dropped me off around the corner, and I casually walked down to where the bike was lying in the gutter. It was then that I noticed a car over the road, by the cult building, which was full of people watching me. I went back to Marc's car, and we went and parked near the other car and waited for them to leave. They didn't. I guess they were having some sort of bike-themed stakeout, possibly influenced by their bizarre cult.

The worst part about this story is that we ended up just going home, rather than having a standoff. God, I am anticlimactic.

The Ukraine girls really knock me out

2005-09-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

So tonight I was sitting around, minding my own business, when the doorbell rang. I went to answer it, and there was nobody there but I did hear the sound of a scooter driving off. This implies there's a gang of dastardly scooter bandits going around knocking on people's doors and running away.

I can't decide if this is the best or worst thing ever.

The word on the street is that Myers-Briggs called Toby an introvert!

2005-09-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

So Toby was all like "What Myers-Briggs you don't know shit about me!"
And Myers-Briggs were like "Nah dude, we know you, only 3% of all people EVERYWHERE are more introverted than you!"
And Toby was like "What the truck do you know? You only asked me like 20 questions!"
And Myers-Briggs were all "Well, the bell curve and psyc 104 told us that we were right...usually....when you use the curve and all...."
Toby was like "What.... ever!"
But Katherin and Isabel (for those are their names) disagreed with Toby and stuck by their assessment of him and his "unpeople skills". Not like Isabel Briggs and Katherine Myers or Isabel Myers and Katherine Briggs....I dunno..

So in the end Toby got out his big samurai sword and cut them in half. Thus proving that he is psychotic.

She's not quite like the conventional sister

2005-09-05T04:02:00.000-07:00

So today at work I served two lunatics. I served one of them twice! The first one (herein referred to as Fatty) came up to me and gently rested his large belly upon the counter next to my till. "Skeleton Key," he began in a bizarre monotone voice, "is that a horror movie, is it?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Your website says it's a thriller. Which am I to believe?"
"Um."
It's rather peculiar that Fatty tried to trick me into lying about the specific genre that the motion picture Skeleton Key falls into, but I guess he has to be certain so he can prepare himself accordingly.

About an hour later, Fatty returned. I was serving customers at the time, so I just ignored him as he appeared to be standing next to the ice-cream kiosk not really doing much of anything. After about five minutes, he sidled over to me and said "I want an ice-cream, boy."
"Sure," I said. "Which flavour would you like?"
"Well come over to the freezer so I can show you," he replied, blatantly ignoring the SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM INDICATING OUR RANGE OF ICE-CREAM FLAVOURS. Pointing at it, I said "well, we have all these flavours here..."
"HOLD ON BOY," he said, and I think he was trying to sound angry, "YOU SHOULD BE DEDICATED TO SERVING CUSTOMERS, NOT DIGGING YOUR TOES IN."
"Um."

The second lunatic was this creepy guy with dreadlocks who was also hanging around the ice-cream kiosk.
"Can I have an ice-cream?" he said as he walked over to me.
"Yeah, you can order it just over here," I said, indicating my till. He walked back to the ice-cream kiosk and sort of looked at me uncomfortably for about thirty seconds. He then returned to my till and said, "I'll just have a single scoop" and inexplicably winked at me.
"Okay," I said. "What flavour do you want?"
"Oh, never mind" he said and walked off.
"Um."

Tomorrow won't do me any good

2005-09-04T04:11:00.000-07:00

Today my girlfriend was wearing a vest. You might say I have a vested interest.

Damn the River

2005-09-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

So it's father's day tomorrow, so I got my dad a card with a picture of Bart Simpson on it saying "HAPPY 9TH BIRTHDAY!!!"
Kim said it would be a bad idea, but then I'm yet to see proof of her gift-giving prowess. We'll see who wins this battle tomorrow!

Does this make you thirsty?

2005-08-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

Well, does it?

Bless the guests with all your quips

2005-08-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

Today was rad. I got up far too late, caught the bus and went to the girlfriend's flat. My girlfriend's flatmate (and one of my best friends from high school) Marc was dying his hair, which is black. He wanted it blond. It came out bright flaming orange. We also went to the supermarket. Never, ever, ever go supermarket shopping with girls. Seriously, every minute or so along the way was all "OH LOOK THIS SMELLS SO NICE TAKE A LOOK AT THIS MONIQUE" and so on. God, what a nightmare.

Then I got a knock at the door! It turned out to be Gabrielle and a shirtless screaming man named Jesse, holding a can of beer and terrifying the Marc's poor little sister who was staying with us after school. That was the beginning of a hilarious adventure!!!!

First, we decided we'd track down and possibly kill Michael. However, he is elusive! He'd once told me that he lives across the road from Mobil, so we spent about ten minutes in Gabrielle's car cruising past Mobil looking for various signs of Michael living there. He eventually sent Gabrielle a text message saying he was in Rangiora inexplicably, which ended that journey. Jesse also walked around looking like a rapist.

Then we went to Spencer Park after like half an hour of trying to find it. The mini golf there, I was happy to notice, has not changed in the last eight years. Except apparently it hasn't been vaccuumed and there is flora and fauna all over all of the holes. And the god damn pricks took down the fort there. Seriously, that was going to far. If it was too dangerous to have a giant fort there, you'd think they'd take it down, but you wouldn't expect them to replace it with a GIANT CONTRAPTION MADE SOLELY OUT OF ROPE. It really is a wonder that both I and everyone I know survived the dangerous deathtrap of the old fort, that's for sure!

Then I went back to the flat and watched Secretary.

I guess the last post I made here might have offended some work people, particularly those involved with the roster! Now, I know why I have very few shifts and I do appreciate all the work that goes into making the rosters and all, but I still like to whinge. It's pretty obvious, from the memos up about how we're such a great team and all, that you're expecting some pretty low morale in this quiet period and you're trying to bolster that. I'm just poor and whiny is all.

This one's from a nasty fall

2005-08-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

I know it's hard work putting together the roster at work, and I totally empathise with Tam who has to do it. Well, as much as I can empathise with a job I've actually never done. But just once, I'd like to get paid more than $50, and my one-shift-week isn't helping. I'm seriously broke here, and I should be able to work more since it's my university break right now. That said, I didn't drop a note in so I guess it's partially my fault. Thanks, university, for having different breaks than school so that when I start getting more shifts because of holidays I'll also have a whole ton of work to do and probably explode or something.

Anyway.

I hear the new All Blacks haka is pretty good. So good, in fact, that TV3 news last night had no less than three seperate stories about it! That's right! As much as I like to see a close up on a sweaty Samoan man threatening to kill me while his tongue hangs out, I think three times in one hour is enough.

Everybody in the club getting tipsy...!

2005-08-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

So J-Kwon doesn't think that his chart topping song "Tipsy" promotes underage teen drinking. Because that would be bad. Teens aren't meant to drink! They are not meant to swig a mouthful of Dad's lager let alone get Tipsy. J-Kwon is very young, he is about 18 I believe. Therefore, in America, he should not be imbibing ANY alcohol yet he is singing us a ditty about getting fucked up and impregnating young "huns". I read in an interview that J-Kwon (or "Kwon" to his mates) has an unknown amount of kids. Some people say he has one but other times he talks about his "kids". I think he probably has about 10 bastard Mini-Kwons mooching around various cities, I think that he should put this to good use and make a band of singers a la the Jackson 5. They could be the Kwon 10 or maybe the Kwon Kids or the J-Kwon Seeds (thats kinda like the Black Seeds) my favourite name would probably be "The J-Kwon Baby Bastards singing "Everybody in the pram getting shitty". It would be awesome. Why does no one listen to my stellar ideas? Meh.

There are women undisputed for the movie rights

2005-08-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am lonely. I was sick, so I finished work early, my girlfriend is asleep on the other side of town and my internet companion Gabrielle is out being cool or something. Bastards!

So today I was on the bus, and this humungous fatty got on. That would be pretty normal, but I found it sort of funny because he was wearing a t-shirt that said "Active" on it. The irony was underlined when he got off the bus after two stops.

I really should stop being mean to fatties.

Nice to see you to see you .....NICE!

2005-08-25T04:46:00.000-07:00

Good old Brucie Forsyth, wasn't he a king among men? A gentleman of a higher order, a man so dapper that his memory lives on forever more (I think he might still be alive tho). Didn't he do well?

Like liquid blowing in a storm

2005-08-25T03:29:00.000-07:00

Three hours in a university computer room and several books later, all I have to say is I really really don't care about themes of innocence in Katherine Mansfield's stories.

Back in the summertime at work, we had these great t-shirts that said "SAW: Really BLOODY Scary!"
After seeing Saw, I really have to admit I was rather torn between my integrity and my income. I think I took the right option.

I heard the news today, oh boy

2005-08-24T03:38:00.000-07:00

At work today, within five minutes of me starting, I made a five-year-old boy cry. So you know, my shift was off to a flying start.

In a completely unrelated incident a couple of minutes later -

Woman: Hey, what's the Woodsman about?
Me: A child molester.
Woman: Oh. (turns to her ten-year-old son) Okay, can I have two tickets to that?
Me: No, it's R16.
Woman: Oh, okay, can we go see Land of the Dead instead?
Me: No, it's R16.
Woman: Well I'm over 16 so I can let him in anyway.
Me: No you can't.
Woman: (storms off angrily)

Teen drinking Is VERY bad

2005-08-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

Yo, I got a fake id though!
yeeah, yeeah, yo, 2 step with me, 2 step wit me!

1, here comes to 2 to the 3 to the 4, everybody drunk out on the dance floor
babygirl ass jiggle like she want more, like she a groupie and i ain't even on tour
maybe cause she heard that I rhyme hard core,maybe that she heard that i sell out the stores,bottom of the 9th in the series gotta score
if I gotta move on to the next floor,here comes the 3 to the 2 to the 1
homeboy trippn he don't know i gotta gun,when it comes to pop man we do this for fun
you aint got one nigga so you betta run,now i'm in the back gettin head from a hun
while she goin down i breakin down what I done, she smokin my stuff saying she ain't havin fun,chick give it back now you ain't gettin none!

WORD J-Kwon! WORD.

Minimum Wage Slaves

2005-08-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

Some nunchuck ninja punks with stars

2005-08-22T04:17:00.000-07:00

This is a column I once wrote in my university's magazine, entitled "CHOOSE YOUR OWN RELIGION:"

CHOOSE YOUR OWN RELIGION

In the few moments in my life between misogynist ranting and shockingly blatant recruitment of young Nazi hopefuls, I'd like to think there's something more to life. It's tough subjects like this that teen songstress Stacie Orrico dealt with in her hard-hitting slice of existential turmoil, "(There's Gotta Be) More to Life." And, as the hundreds upon hundreds of religious gangmembers who assault bewildered foreign students in the James Hight Cafe would imply, I'm not the only one wondering if there really is more out there than hilariously making fun of fatties and other assorted demographics. I am fully aware that religion is quite a touchy subject, so I know I'd better tread lightly here, but to be honest I really can't be bothered. What I thought I'd do for you, the general public, is run through a list of all the religions available to you, so you can choose your own religion, much like the Choose Your Own Adventure books of my childhood. Except in this one every time you turn the page you get a hideous alcohol ad, or barely literate people writing letters in about how women are whores.

CHRISTIANITY

I guess it's something to do with those bloody English colonising New Zealand in 1342, but I'd say that Christianity is the most popular religion in New Zealand by far. Christianity is based around a guy called Jesus who died, and then got resurrected in glorious ghost format so mankind would be saved for all eternity. You know, because that makes perfect sense. Christians have a knack for ganging up on unsuspecting lonesome students in university cafeterias all around the world, and converting them using the power of sheer brute force and Jesus' famed finishing move, the Stone Cold Stunner. They also live by the mantra "what would Jesus do?" (WWJD for short) but I don't know how useful this is. I mean, in pretty much any given situation Jesus would probably annoint the wine or something like that, and that's usually not really an option for me.
PROS: You get to worship a ghost or something.
CONS: Jesus is a really stupid name.

BUDDHISM

Favoured by idiots trying to be deep (and monks and stuff too I guess) everywhere, Buddhism revolves around a really huge overweight guy made of gold who presumably does yoga. Buddhists love everybody, even when the Christians are ruthlessly murdering them (this may or may not have actually happened) and when confronted with hilarious gameshow situations as seen on "The Price is Right." Buddhists must assemble the three jewels and then take refuge in an abandoned bunker in order to achieve enlightenment, which they then use to tackle the powers of evil.
PROS: A Captain Planet-esque source of power!
CONS: Run by a giant fatty, the "heart" ring is really useless.

JUDAISM

Judaisn is, as far as I can tell, pretty similar to Christianity, except they don't think Jesus was the son of God, which I guess makes it completely different to Christianity. The Jews have a pretty tough run, being one of the most ridiculed religions around. I don't really have much to say about Judaism, except that it is amusingly parodied in the Ben Stiller comedy "Meet the Fockers," in which Dustin Hoffman plays the comedic yin to Robert de Niro's yang, whatever the hell that means. It's a rollicking comedic ride through the realms of side-splitting hilarity, with some valuable life lessons learnt along the way!
PROS: Robert de Niro's hilarious performance as Ben Stiller's unusually strict father-in-law.
CONS: Absolutely none - a must see for all the family!

SCIENTOLOGY

This wins my award for "most totally fucking insane religion ever to have existed ever." It's about as popular as slavery was in the 1800s with today's Hollywood stars, and with its science fiction themed tales of adventure and intrigue, it's not hard to see why. Certified nutcase Tom Cruise is some sort of high chief in it, and his girlfriend Kate "My Face is Melting" Holmes has been quoted as saying she "digs it." John Travolta loves Scientology so much he made the masterpiece "Battlefield Earth" about it, which Tom Cruise has probably seen like forty times. I don't really know the nitty gritty behind Scientology, but I'm going to assume it contains the very same feverishly breakdancing robot Dean Kilbride discussed in his recent review of the Tin Lids' hit single "Dinosaurs in Space."
PROS: Kate Holmes "digs it," possibly contains a feverishly breakdancing robot.
CONS: Involves a villain named Xenu, who was inexplicably turned into an intergalactic walrus after showing mankind some sort of blockbuster film and also flew around the galaxy in a modern commercial airliner.

ATHIESM

Atheism is the belief that nothing at all exists outside of this planet, and is upheld by morons who wear leather jackets and sit in the seats facing everyone else on the bus, as if daring others to discriminate against them because of their "alternative" appearance. These people are as unintentionally hilarious as the time on Shortland Street in which Tama desperately pleaded Norman not to go back to the river, because "you just don't mess with Tapu." Athiests enjoy taking quotes by Neitzsche way out of context, presumably because they don't understand any of it besides "God is dead."
PROS: You get to hate your parents, and the hypocritical sheep that participate in organised religion!
CONS: Rampant stupidity upheld by pretty much every self-proclaimed Athiest I've met.

Alright, now that I've got that out of the way, the choice is up to you, the reader. Who will it be, a kindly ghost, an overweight man, Ben Stiller, Xenu the intergalactic walrus, or Trent Reznor? YOU DECIDE. All the facts in this article are 100% true and correct, for all your spirital needs, except for the parts where I blatantly made up various points about religion. Tragically, Scientology is not one of these parts.

Oh dear..........

2005-08-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes trying is just too damn hard. Who wants to join me in an army of non-triers? A gang of no-hopers? Uni slackers who roam the town not-being-bothered-to-do-anything and generally having apathy towards their very own existence...? Toby is that your hand I see up?! And Michael is that you waving so unenthusiastically? I think so!! Go team! gimme a T..gimme a E...gimme a ...oh i can't be arsed....meh...

And I want to let her know that I won't let her go

2005-08-21T02:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was at my girlfriend's flat last night, and a couple of Woolworths people came to the door saying they had an "anonymous tipoff" that there were a bunch of shopping trolleys being hoarded in the garage. Strange!

Why does Edward Woodward have four Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar.

Don't you wish you had a cooler nose?

2005-08-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

Most people dislike at least one thing about their physical appearance be it their ears (thats me) their mouth, their skin, their teeth, their gums, their hair, their legs,their thighs, their torso or their nose. Well I think that maybe we should all learn to be a little more like this guy above me, he is putting his deformity to good use. He is thinking of others and sharing his uniqueness with everyone. We could all learn from this- and I am the first to say that I am very guilty of bitching and moaning about myself and wishing i was prettier, skinnier etc etc so that people would like me more well to that I say- FUCK THAT! We can't all be perfect and there is much much more to a person than their genetic makeup and all that jazz. So I am going to try to stop disliking myself because I am lucky to have arms and legs, not like those people on that documentary the other night who were limbless because of that drug that starts with t. So yeah, bask in the glory of you and of others! Use your big ears to listen! Your chunky thighs to steady yourself when you are losing your balance, use your wide hips to bear babies and your hairy legs to keep you warm at night when there is no hottie, go ahead! Be the best not perfect person you can be! GIRL AND BOY POWER! YEAH!!!!

A Zebra and a Man

2005-08-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

When you think about it it makes sense....you have to think hard tho...if a man and a zebra can live in peace, why can't the entire world?

And it's about time

2005-08-19T03:33:00.000-07:00

Fatties wearing tight clothes make me wonder. Are the clothes tight because they're fat? Or do the fatties just assume it will de-fatty them?

While I'm on the subject of fatties, a giant fatty came in to work tonight and ordered a jumbo drink. I tried so hard not to laugh when he insisted it was diet. This guy could've eaten me and it would't have increased his BMI at all.

And the beat goes on....

2005-08-19T01:54:00.000-07:00

Toby likes the Beatles you know. Very much in fact. His biggest regret is that he wasn't born in Liverpool in the 40's so he could have joined their Quarry Men group.

It's the river that keeps me calling

2005-08-18T04:32:00.000-07:00

So I just got home from Sin City (again) and I sent a text to my girlfriend, who was going home late at night via our horrible horrible bus system, to make sure she hadn't been raped. She hasn't replied yet. I would say I'm worried sick, but I think I'm actually sick because I ate an entire pack of Starburst lollies.

Not to say I'm not worried about her or anything.

Devil Boy

2005-08-17T18:54:00.000-07:00